Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
