The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
