Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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