We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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