I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The air taste purple.
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