The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
