You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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