So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
