I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
