When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
