my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
