My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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