He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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