How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
