I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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