Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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