I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
