your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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