he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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