made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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