All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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