omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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