i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
