My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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