i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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