That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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