Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
