FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
