What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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