I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had to cum in my sink.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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