quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
