Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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