she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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