Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
