I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
