We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
