I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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