I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
