Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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