dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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