Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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