When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
