I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
