I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
