I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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