Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Pooping to opera.
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