He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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