I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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