We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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