Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
