I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed