"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.