are you wasted or are you getting laid?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?