I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
