If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.