i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"