i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
