My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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