i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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