1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm at about main and main street
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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