Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
whose parrot is this?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
