If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
