Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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