Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
