I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
